The Rules

09 May

You may not associate scary movies with being macho, but there are definitely some masculine favoritism (I may have just made that up) undertones in many of the horror films I’ve seen. Most of the villains are male, the victims are female and the sexism is evident. A trend I’ve noticed in many horror films is the predictability. I can usually call out immediately when something bad is going to happen (the crescendo of music in the background also helps). It amazes me sometimes when the characters in these movies seem to do the worst possible thing in a situation which will obviously get them killed.

This is where “the rules” come in. First brought to my attention by the first Scream film, “There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie”. These rules are the accumulation of years and years of horror films, to clarify the errors that get many people killed. I found websites listing over 100 rules, but below I’ve listed some of my favorites. I based them on information I compounded from There are also cites such as that list some of the same basic rules.

If you are in a horror film and want to have any chance of survival, please take note:

  • If you think you have killed the monster, run away as fast as you can, if you go to check if it’s really dead, in most cases, it won’t be.
  • Don’t ever buy or live in a house that is near a cemetary, built on an indian burial ground, or was the scene of a murder.
  • Don’t ever read aloud from a book that involves the calling of demons or spirits, you will end up summoning some scary baddies you would rather not have to deal with.
  • If your children suddenly start speaking another language of which you have no knowledge of them ever learning (such as latin), drop them off with a priest (who can perform an exorsism) and leave the country.  
  • When you are in a group, stay in the group! Never decide to pair off or be a hero and go off by yourself. You will be killed.
  • If all your friends have a significant other and are going to a party at a creepy abandoned mansion, and you are single or the class clown of the group, please just stay home.
  • When your electronics start moving and turning on and off by themselves, it’s time to go house hunting.
  • Never take anything from the dead, it is with them for a reason and to remove will only bring bad consequences to you.
  • When running away from a monster, don’t look back, you will inevitably trip and fall. If you do trip and fall, just get up and keep running, crawling away will not get you very far.
  • If your friends start to show creepy behaviors (zombie, werewolf, or vampire-like) dump them like yesterday’s trash, you can always make new friends, but not if you’re dead.
  • Avoid areas such as “Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, any hotels such as the Bates and the Overlook, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.”
  • If your car breaks down or runs out of gas, just stay in there in the car, especially if it’s at night. DO NOT walk to the creepy mansion on the hill, or the deserted town hidden in the woods, trust me.
  • Go by the rule: stranger danger, and avoid any sharp objects (chainsaws, knives, hooks, etc.).
  • Be aware of the music and the audience. They are far better predictors than you when it comes to determining danger.
  • Play it safe and never do something because someone else dares you.

Posted by on May 9, 2011 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “The Rules

  1. Mom

    May 9, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    I loved it. Best so far and great advice. I always new these truisms but have not seen it put into print. Mom

  2. skturpie

    May 18, 2011 at 12:58 am

    A good and useful list, but you forgot one: Don’t have sex. It’s a capital crime in a horror movie. Kind of fits with the common sexist themes– slut shaming is cheap and easy.

    Also, I would make one modification: In case of zombies, sharp objects are your friends.


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